


I Never Thought That We'd Surrender

by lemonhopia



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Car Sex, Eventual Smut, F/M, First Time, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Non-Linear Narrative, Spin the Bottle, Underage Drinking, Yes again I know I've done this so many times
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2020-10-10 19:42:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20533535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemonhopia/pseuds/lemonhopia
Summary: They say your life flashes before your eyes when you're about to die, but no one told me it would feel the same to see the person I love after reconciling with the fact that I'm never going to see him again.The memories hit one by one then all at once, the crushing weight crippling me in a matter of seconds.Through hazy summers and chilly winters and everything in between, from the first to the last kiss, every single memory stacked up until we no longer had the means to keep going, and it was up to us if we wanted to rebuild every piece that crumbled down.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from When We Were Young - The Summer Set.

Things don't always work out as planned. That's something I had to learn the hard way. 

And that is if I even planned anything at all. 

I didn't plan on leaving the country and everything I knew behind, and I certainly didn't plan on being miserable every day since.

I didn't plan on leaving my best friend. I didn't plan on leaving him confused and crying on the pavement, too shocked to even chase after the car driving me to the airport. 

Yet it all happened. I let all of it happen. I have no right to complain about all the shit I brought upon myself, and only I can make the move to fix it. 

Can I really fix it? Is that really why I moved back? Over the years, I have imprinted in my brain that Chris is now only a memory. I still watch him from a distance though recently I have been doing so less and less. 

And now, having him right in front of me, just a few meters away from reach, is a surreal experience I never could have prepared myself for. There was no number of pixels, no photo detailed enough to do justice to that smile. I can tell myself I've forgotten all about him but I don't think that's happening anytime soon. 

I immediately turned away in panic only to be greeted by my mom who has been insisting that I talk to him again pretty much the entire time I've been overseas.

"He's right there! Just say hi, it won't kill you," She had a firm grip on my arm and though it wasn't enough to hurt me, I couldn't break away without causing a scene.

"Mom please, you know we don't have any contact anymore!" I know she means well, she has always liked Chris for me ever since we were young and pretty much treated him like her own son, but things are different now. We're not kids anymore. We've done so much, been through so much, and there's no way we can go back to whatever we were before I left.

"Well, you do now," She smiled knowingly and let go of my arm, brushing the hair away from my face and straightening my clothes. "C'mon, I'm sure he wants to see you just as much,"

Too late. Mom had already called him over.

The world around me has gone into slow motion but not in a romantic movie kind of way. How could he want to see me again after everything? He's probably only here because he was too nice to turn anyone down, especially my parents.

I wanted to disappear, I wanted to scream, I just wanted to forget this night ever happened. I watched Chris turn to my direction, his eyes scanning the room until his gaze found mine, just as my mom immediately darted away from the disastrous scene waiting to unfold.

They say your life flashes before your eyes when you're about to die, but no one told me it would feel the same to see the person I love after reconciling with the fact that I'm never going to see him again.

The memories hit one by one then all at once, the crushing weight crippling me in a matter of seconds. But in the flood of memories rushing back, one particular summer afternoon came to mind.

\---

"It's no big deal, we're friends, right?" Felix remarked, an arm already wrapped around my best friend Mel's shoulders and pulling her closer with a grin on his face. She only giggled in response, turning to face the freckle-faced boy and leaning in closer to ghost her lips above his. All of us watched in anticipation, cheering and loud ooh's resonating through the room when Felix made the last move and they finally kissed. 

It only lasted a few seconds, just a quick peck, then they were back to their rightful places in our circle on the floor without any trace of being flustered or embarrassed at all. I high-fived Felix as he sat back down beside me.

"OK, who's next?" Mel's voice cut through the stuffy air of their basement, shutting us all up as we watched intently at her hands getting into position to spin the bottle one more time.

"You guys are still at it?" Chris barged through the door without knocking, carrying a huge bag of snacks and 6-packs of beer that he probably paid a senior to buy for him. He was late but he couldn't have come at a better time.

Dropping off the bags at the table and dumping the beer cans in the worn-out styrofoam cooler -which baffled me since Mel has a Coleman large enough to fit an entire person-, he settled in the tiny space between me and a guy from our grade I'm not very close with. Chris brought a whole new energy to the room when he came in, both from his perpetually bright smile showing off his dimples and the fact that he has the party's illegal booze stash which signaled the official start of the night.

With Chris playing with us, does that mean I'll have a chance to kiss him? I shook the thought out of my head before anyone could notice how red I was just from thinking about it. You hated this game when it was your other friends who suggested it, right? There were at least a dozen of us in the room. Highly unlikely, and I should stop thinking about my best friend like that when he's right in front of me.

How can I think straight with him smiling at me like he did?

"Sit your ass down Chris, we're just starting a new round," Mel's slim fingers finally spun the empty beer bottle and it felt like forever watching it keep spinning, then gradually slow down until it comes to a complete stop.

Right in front of Chris. The bottle's neck pointed at him, dead center.

"Woooah, who's the lucky one?" One of my friends exclaimed and many followed but I couldn't hear anything else clearly aside from my heartbeat.

"Alright, whoever wins Chris gets private access with him to our roof deck," 

"What the fuck, I'm the prize?" Chris laughed incredulously but didn't protest. In fact, he was even excited as he watched Mel spin the bottle a second time.

I couldn't say the same. I was definitely not thrilled to watch Chris make out with whoever that damn bottle landed on, and I had to stop myself from just taking it in my hands and whacking my head with it.

I looked away instead, pretended to not be interested in whatever was happening. 

"Oh no, shit, I'm not kissing Felix, c'mon," When my eyes went back to the bottle, it was still moving ever so slowly, pointing to Felix but it wasn't stopping just yet. It continued moving until it stopped, pointing to the space between Felix and I. 

Everyone yelled and cheered who they want to win Chris, some even screaming both. But being the sly one he is, Felix blew on the bottle from his side so it would point at me. 

"OK guys, we have a clear winner here," He cleared his throat and laughed as he held my arm up like a referee hailing a new boxing champ.

There's no way I could have prepared myself for that. Chris' confidence from earlier seemed to have faltered a bit as his smile morphed into a shy one, though his eyes didn't leave my direction. I was frozen in place. Am I supposed to say "Wow, I have actually been waiting to kiss you all this time!"? Because that's pretty much all I wanted to say.

"Are you ok with this?" Chris leaned in to whisper in my ear. "I mean… If you're not comfortable, we don't need to.…"

No way I'm letting the moment slip out of my hands. I nodded my head and mouthed "It's okay" because I didn't trust my voice to make any comprehensible sounds. Letting go of the breath he was holding, Chris closed the distance between our lips, our bodies pressed together and lips moving against each other in a way that's a lot more than the game required, completely lost in our own little world. 

It's not like I haven't been kissed before. But it was worlds away with Chris, so unlike that sloppy liplock I had with some guy from my seventh grade class behind the school gym. 

"Woah, woah, get a room!" Someone yelled from across the room and everyone else did the same, endless teasing and cheering directed at us. I heard Mel clap her hands loudly to catch our attention and we broke away from each other immediately. She threw me a key labeled "roof" in messy handwriting and it landed on my lap.

"Guys, calm down, it's no big deal," I laughed and tried to play it off like it was nothing but it seemed like no one believed me, even myself.

"You know where it is," She winked, shooing Chris and I out of the room and we couldn't protest.

Well, it's not like we wanted to anyway.

I've never seen Chris so confused and flustered and giddy all at the same time, but he followed nonetheless. I'm pretty sure I looked the same but a lot worse, the whole myriad of emotions I was feeling getting the best of my naive heart. We climbed the several flights of stairs that led to the roof wordlessly. I didn't know what the night held for us but I was ready to take anything if it meant Chris was in the picture.

The moment we reached the top of the stairs, the door to the roof deck calling to us, Chris stopped in his tracks.

"Just so you know, I still would have kissed you without that dare," He flashed me that smile I've been falling for since I saw him, even when I didn't know it yet, and right then I knew I was far gone. Once more, he scooped me in his arms and kissed me more passionately than before, and it was even better with no rush and no prying eyes.

There were stars in our eyes with my hands on his chest while we were exchanging breaths and I wished the night never had to end.

"We have more space to kiss over there, just in case you weren't aware," I laughed breathlessly when we pulled away, pointing to the glass door and holding up the key.

"I know, but can't I kiss you here?" He pouted. "I waited so long to kiss you," I let him hug me from behind as I fumbled wih the key, my hands unable to move steadily with his face nuzzled in my hair.

It was indeed spacious, though I remember it being a lot bigger back then since our smaller bodies didn't take up much space, and we had all the room to run around. 

"Ah, I missed hanging out here, we loved getting up here so much," Chris let go of me briefly and laid down on the ground blanket laying on the floor right away. It was obvious Mel set up this whole thing, she even stocked some snacks and drinks in a cooler. I chuckled to myself as I realized that's where the cooler went.

"Me too," I laid down beside him but not too close that we were touching. Even at a distance, I could feel his warmth. "But it's so much better now,"

"And why?" As quickly as he had laid down, Chris turned to face me, head propped up on one arm and our faces just a few inches away from each other.

"Because it's warm and it's quiet compared to downstairs," I teased, not wanting to get to what he's hinting at.

"And?" His face was so much closer and he could kiss me anytime with barely any movement but he stayed still.

"And it's only us two up here," The grins on our faces grew wider, and in no time our lips were connected in a slow dance, in perfect timing with the descent of the blazing sun.

The sky turned darker turning the air cooler and we were still attached. When we pulled away, only a few ribbons of oranges and yellows remained visible in the horizon yet we still haven't had enough.

"Look, the stars are just coming out," He whispered, not wanting to disrupt the calmness of the emerging night. "Let's stay here tonight?"

I hummed in response, snuggling in his chest and his arm pulling me closer, if closer was still even possible. Amidst hushed laughter and lazy kisses, we spent that night gazing at the stars. Neither of us understood what was going on, all we knew was it felt right to be together.

Summer has always been my favorite season, especially that one December that taught me how to fall in love.


	2. Chapter 2

I still remember how the cool summer air blew gently into my room that night. I loved keeping my windows open as I study when it wasn’t too cold.

The air keeps my head clear. That night was no exception.

Though I wasn’t studying, school was about to start the next day and I wanted to make sure everything was going as planned. 

Then a familiar buzzing of my phone knocked me out of my trance. I didn’t even have to look at the contact photo flashing on the screen to know who it was. 

_ Chris: you know where I am ;)  _

Of course it’s Chris. Just when I needed him most to calm my nerves, he magically appears. Leaning on my desk, I looked out the window to see a waving Chris, one hand in his pocket and the other one in the air.

Even from a distance, I could see how bright his smile was. He gestured to the car parked some distance away, so the noise of the engine can’t be heard from inside the house. 

He didn’t need to ask. I grabbed my phone and hoodie right away, put on whatever shoes are easiest to slip on, and climbed out the window to the ledges. 

I’ve sneaked out that window enough times to know what angle I should shift my body to balance my weight, which branch to hold on to, and how to lower myself to the ground properly so I landed safely. It was already muscle memory, though it was admittedly easier when my feet were small enough to fit the width of the ledge perfectly. 

Every single one of those times, Chris was waiting right on the ground below to take me away.

“Hey,” I wanted to punch myself for making that hey sound breathier than usual. We’ve always been like this since we were 10. Why did anything have to change at 18?

Because our feelings changed, that’s why. Stupid feelings. It’s been weeks since that December night and we’ve been the happiest ever since then, though we haven’t really gotten the courage to talk about things. You know, things that could change how we are and how we see each other. 

We were both scared, I guess. But I didn’t want to think about it, not when Chris is scooping me up in his arms with the biggest smile on his face. 

“Hey to you too,” He pressed his lips into mine, unmoving but making sure I feel all of him against me.

“You can kiss me all you want later, ok? We might get caught here,” 

“Hmm, risky, but I’ll take it, I missed you,” His arms still won’t let go of my waist. “So I’m taking you away,”

“Chris please, you just saw me two days ago,” 

“That’s still two days without you,” 

“Wow, clingy,” 

“I’ll always be clingy to you, deal with it,” Chris laughed, taking me by the hand to his car parked a block away. He was almost dragging me the whole time, like he was too excited to take me wherever he was planning to take me.

“Ok.. This is the first time you’re not telling me where we’re going,” Though I totally trust Chris wherever he takes me, my curiosity still killed me. “And it’s a school night,”

“First days of school aren’t important, fuck that,” Chris helped me with my seatbelt even when I didn’t ask him too, just so he can kiss me before he fastened his. “It won’t be long until we’re not in high school anymore,”

“Sshhh, I don’t wanna think about that yet, go drive then,” 

He wasted no time and drove off right away. The streets we passed by were familiar even after getting out of the neighborhood, so I figured we weren’t going somewhere new. It was kinda far though, and Chris sensed how worried I was about getting home on time. Knowing him, he wanted to drive off as far as possible as soon as he got his license.

He held my hand at the red lights, stole kisses and looked at me like I was brighter than the headlights guiding his way, and to be honest I didn’t care anymore where we were going as long as I had Chris with me.

We pulled up to the beach an hour later. I knew I could always count on Chris to find the best secret spots to hang out in, and he just brought me to the place we always used to go on holidays as kids. 

“How did you know I wanted to go back here?” I looked around and admired the clear view of the sky, the waves crashing in the distance, the cool breeze blowing in my face.

He shrugged. “I just do,”

It was hard to think of anything else with Chris so close to me, his arms around my waist hugging me from the back, chin resting on my shoulder and breath hot against my ear. 

“It’s perfect here,” He placed a kiss on my shoulder. “But you’re more perfect,”

“Chris please,” I couldn’t help but giggle at how much of a hopeless romantic he is, but it’s exactly one of the things I’ve grown to love about him. 

“What? It’s true,” What else could I say? I wriggled free of his grasp so I could turn around and kiss him, longer and more lingering, arms draped around his neck, since it was better than any string of words I could ever formulate.

“Thanks,”

“Anything for you,”

Only the moonlight was illuminating us, but our smiles have never been clearer. Even if the biggest question we wouldn’t dare to ask still clouded our heads.

~

They say don’t make someone your world, make them your home instead, so that wherever you go, you’ll always have someone to come home to. But what happens when your home is gone? What happens when you leave home?

I noticed his brown eyes first, scanning the room before landing on mine, going wide in surprise. Never have I prepared for this moment.

He looked so different but still so much the same, still radiating the same warmth I’ve always loved. In my panic, a lot of details were lost on me, but one thing I couldn’t miss was how he looked at me. 

It would be a lot easier if he could just hate me and look at me with contempt, but I didn’t expect him to look at me with the same admiration in his eyes, like I was still the best thing that ever happened to him.

“Chris,” His name that was once synonymous to comfort and home now felt so foreign on my tongue. 

“I was scared you don’t know me anymore,” A sad smile crossed his lips, and I seemingly forgot how to speak.

For fuck’s sake, Chris, how would I ever forget you? You’ve been in my mind since the day I left.

Sometimes only a passing thought, sometimes consuming me more than I can handle, but you never left.

Right now it’s drowning me. And I don’t know if I can ever tell you that.

I opened my mouth to speak, but Chris cut me off immediately. 

“Let’s talk somewhere else?” My mind went blank and I just let him take my hand when I didn’t answer. In a matter of minutes, we were out of the house, walking wordlessly to the park a few blocks from ours. 

“Why?” It was all I could say without breaking down when we’ve sat down on the grass near the slides. 

“Why what?” The fact that Chris was so calm and unaccusing broke me even more. He’s too good for the world, making me even more undeserving of him.

“Why do you still want to talk to me?” 

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Fuck, Chris, you should be hating me, you should be mad at me, it’ll be easier for both of us if you just hated me,”

“I tried, for a short while, but that doesn’t change the fact that I love you,” He laughed, but not the laugh I remember from him, not the laugh that made me feel the sunshine even in the darkest of hours. “It’s useless,”

I closed my eyes and tried to block everything in sight. Everything was too much to take in. From our spot, I can see his house, the sidestreets we used to walk to school together, and my best friend’s house. Where all of this started Memories I tried to suppress flashed in an instant, especially the one I almost wished to erase completely from my brain.

“Please just stop,” I didn’t know anymore if I was talking to Chris or myself.

“Stop making me hate you, it’s not gonna happen,” He was visibly distraught but didn’t want to show it. Even after all this time, I could still read him so easily, and it hurts to see how much he’s trying to hold everything in. “Look, I didn’t come here to judge you or be mad at you, I’m fine if you don’t feel the same way… I just… I just wanted to know if you’re okay,”

There was no way I can tell him how I’ve really been. I didn’t want to know anymore how miserable he’s been, but I hate how I can tell. The edge in his voice, the sadness in his eyes, it was so hard to think about how I caused all that.

“I don’t wanna lose you,” He added, voice low, and he sounded much closer. He was already sitting right next to me, close enough for him to take my hand.

“You already did,”

“I can’t lose you as a friend, and if that’s all you can give me I’ll be fine,”

I couldn’t think of anything else with his hands on mine, still as warm and solid as the last time I remembered holding them, and it’s taking all of me to stop the walls I’ve built for years from crumbling at his touch.

The seconds felt endless. He waited for an answer but all he heard was the sound of our heartbeats, clearly beating for each other, even if one was too much of a coward to admit it. I’ve always admired his patience and understanding. I was stupid for thinking he would just drop me after I left. 

Well, there was no way for me to undo the damage already done. But it’s up to me if I wanted to take a step forward, with or without Chris in the picture, and now that he’s back I at least owed him an explanation.

That is if I even understood myself fully. It’s something I’ve been asking myself for years.

_ Where did we go wrong? _


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the smut chapter is here. And it's longer than I intended because this is what you get when you let a smut writer write something other than smut.

Just when I thought Chris couldn't look anymore perfect, there he was with his muscles rippling and arms in full view through his sleeveless shirt as he struggled to remove his seatbelt, the soft glow from the huge projector screen casting a warmer tinge on his usually pale skin. I drove the car to the farthest end of the drive-in cinema, away from the rest of the seemingly endless sea of cars in front of us.

"Careful, that thing is already wonky, it needs my touch to open," I laughed and reached over to help him unbuckle his seatbelt. "Ugh, my dad really needs to fix this,"

"So he can know we snuck out in it?" Chris tilts his head and smirks playfully, batting his eyelashes.

"Hey, I'm actually allowed to drive this you know," He made a face when I pinched his nose. "I just got my license," 

"Fine then, but you have to drive me home," He pushed the seat back and rested an elbow against the backrest, turning to face me. "For now, I'll drive you crazy," 

"Chris!" The car shook with our laughter. But when it died down, the look in his eyes show he really did mean it. 

He leaned in to kiss me, soft lips pressed against my unmoving ones, cupping my cheek and pulling me closer the best way he can with me in the driver's seat and him on the passenger side. 

"What's wrong baby?" He pulls away ever so slightly just so he can look at my face. 

"Hmm? Nothing really, why?" Nothing wasn't really true. My heart was racing at his touch, my brain going into overdrive whenever he would pull stuff like this like it was nothing. It was so easy for him. So easy to have me fall apart at his touch and his words and it scared me how much of an effect he had, knowing it wasn't supposed to last. 

I decided to let go. Chris opened his mouth to speak but I shut him up with a kiss. Fuck it, thinking can wait. Parting my lips slightly to let him in, I pulled him closer by the hair and he returned my effort. I didn't mean for things to get heated like it did but I didn't stop it. 

Our breaths and warm bodies fogged up the glass, and the soft kisses earlier has turned into something hungrier and more passionate, with me ending up on Chris' lap. 

"Can we move to the backseat?" I can't believe I was the one who asked that. The encounter left both of us gasping for air. Chris pulled away for a moment to check on me and leaned the seat back to give us space to move to the backseat.

We've slowed down yet everything felt a lot more intense. I was expecting him to have his hands and lips all over me, but instead he lay me down carefully on the aged leather cushions, hovering over me as he ran his fingers through my hair.

"Are you trying to put me to sleep? We just got here," I laughed and tugged on his shirt, twisting it in fistfuls, so he'll move closer to me.

"Ssshh, don't ruin the mood," Those dimples. I'll never forget how they adorn his face so beautifully when he laughs. 

"What mood?" 

"Mood for this," Chris leaned down slowly and it felt like an eternity before his lips landed on mine, despite how many times we've kissed before. He took his time unlike earlier, like he's using his lips and tongue to commit every corner of my mouth to memory.

"Baby..." The hand resting on my hips started to travel upwards. There's a hesitation in his voice, like he didn't want to scare me off in case I didn't want it. "Can I?"

Without questioning him even for a split second, I said yes.

I knew where we were headed and I wanted it more than ever. 

I let out a moan I've been holding in when he cupped a breast in his hand, squeezing gently over my dress and underwear. 

"Too much clothes," I mumbled against his lips while I fumbled with the hem of his shirt. He did the same with my dress, sliding the straps off and unhooking my bra. 

We only pulled away briefly so he can pull his shirt off and throw it on the passenger seat, and to fully push the backrest down to make more space for us.

A moment of silence washed over us as the realization hit. 

"You're so beautiful, don't," Chris stopped my arm when I attempted to cover my chest. The atmosphere felt heavier than ever with him looking at me like I was the best thing he has ever laid eyes on, when I could say the same for him. The light outside was getting dimmer, flickering unevenly since the movie was already starting. Even then, Chris was still so breathtaking, his toned body still making my heart flutter no matter how many times I see it. 

"Are you sure you want this? You know, you don't have to just because we're... We're... Uh, already like this," His confidence from earlier took a backseat, suddenly careful with his moves. "Also… I didn't bring any condoms, it's not like I was planning this,"

"I've been sure for a long time, stop worrying about me too much," I took his hand resting on my thigh. "And don't worry about that, I've been on the pill for a long time for my hellish periods, remember?"

"See, I was so worried I forgot… Can't help it, you know I'm too deep into you," He shrugged. "Don't wanna hurt my favorite girl," 

"Well now I want you deep in me in another way, ok?"

Chris laughed and finally closed the distance between our bodies. I didn't hold back anymore despite the possible consequences digging at the back of my mind, threatening to ruin the moment if they came out.

I let his hands explore my body, tug the top of my dress down and remove my bra. He grinned at the sight, leaning down to suck on my lower lip as he played with my nipples one after the other. 

I groaned at the contact, especially when his hand moved to my thighs, caressing the sensitive skin teasingly. 

"Chris, please, I need you now," 

"Easy, baby, we got time," He laced his fingers with mine. "I'll take care of you," 

He leaned in and instead of going back to my lips, his kisses landed on my neck. He started out pressing his lips softly on my skin, before his kisses turned wet and open-mouthed and sloppy, biting and nipping and leaving faint marks. 

"Oh my god, Chris-"

His grip on my hand tightened when my hips snapped up and pressed against his growing hard-on, and the look in his eyes turned darker.

Everything was a blur after that. With the blood rushing to my head and my heart pounding against my chest, it was hard to keep up. I watched him struggle to take his jeans off in the cramped space, stroke himself with one hand while the other rubs between my legs, and never once he took his eyes off me. He was the only one in my eyes as well, when his fingers slipped beneath my soaked underwear, when the moment suddenly felt more real when I shuddered under his touch.

"S-so good, Chris, aah-" His other hand had to hold my hips down so I won't squirm too much. Every stroke of his fingers tightened the pressure building up in my core, and him pulling off my underwear without breaking contact with my dripping heat made it even more overwhelming. "F-fuck, Chris, I need you, I-"

My own moans cut me off when I felt Chris push a finger in, sliding in and out a few times before adding another one. 

"So impatient," He chuckled. "I need to get you ready for me first, ok?"

I didn't get the chance to speak, forgetting words as he sped up pumping his fingers, curling his digits and reaching parts of me even I haven't touched, a wave of pleasure jolting me so hard I had to bite down on my own fingers to keep from screaming.

"Ready?" I've barely come down from my high yet I nodded so hard it made me dizzy. "I'm gonna go slow- ooh- oh shit-" 

Neither of us could contain the whimpers spilling from our lips when he started to push in, and I could already feel the stretch even when he hasn't gone beyond the tip. He stayed there for a few seconds, stunned, breathing heavily and jaw clenched hard.

"Fuck, I think I'm gonna cum in 30 seconds if you're this tight," Chris laughed, face red and flustered.

"Chris please, pussies don't get any tighter or looser," I found myself laughing too even with his tip prodding my entrance. "Now go practice fucking me so you won't shoot in 30 seconds everytime,"

"Wow that's gonna be so sad," 

"I trust you, I trust you won't," 

Our giggles faded into soft whimpers as he pushed in further, so slow I can feel the stretch, and his hands gripping mine tightly the entire time. 

"Can I move?" His hands moved to grip my waist instead, but my hands never left his.

"Please," He pulled out at my permission, only to push back in with the same excruciatingly slow pace, his eyes never leaving mine as he makes me feel every inch of him graze my tight walls.

A look of concern crosses his face. "Does it hurt?" 

"A b-bit… but… aah- keep going,"

We kept going at that pace for I don't even know how long. Despite our overflowing need, we still wanted to take our time to feel each other, get to know how our bodies feel like together, letting our senses memorize every detail.

It might be awkward but it was pure bliss.

His pace gradually sped up and hit deeper, amplifying the sensations more than my body could take. The knot forming in my insides felt a lot tighter than it did with his fingers, and I didn't know how I could handle it once it unravels.

"You're doing great baby," Chris tucked my hair behind my ear, a lot of it sticking to my forehead with sweat. 

I was at a loss for words. The pain has mostly given way to pleasure, so much of it that it felt like I could break anytime. 

"So- good- You feel s-so good-"

His hips started to stutter along with his words and his grip on my waist felt like he was holding back so much.

"You can go harder baby, it's ok, don't hold back," I brushed the hair away from his face so I can see how his eyes glaze over and how his mouth falls open with every thrust.

"I'm so close baby," His voice was more like breathy moaning, chest heaving as he snapped his hips so hard against mine. 

"Yes- I'm-" My climax hit before I could finish my sentence, a scream getting stuck in my throat as Chris continued to take me, stroking my cheek in comfort as I clenched hard around his length. It didn't take long for him to bury his face in the crook of my neck to muffle his sounds, movements suddenly halting as I felt him twitch inside me as he came, fingers digging into my waist so hard they left bruises, his warmth filling me up in a matter of seconds.

The air around us felt so silent in that moment and all we could hear was our labored breathing and racing heartbeats. He stayed buried deep in me even as he went soft, and held me even closer to kiss me passionately instead of pulling out.

"Good thing I keep tissues in the drink holders," I whispered against his lips.

"Yeah ok fine, I'll pull out now," Chris chuckled and got some tissues, careful not to spill as he reached them.

We stayed in comfortable silence as we cleaned up and got dressed, snuggling buried in blankets and warm in each other's arms. It was perfect, everything in that moment, so perfect that it never crossed our minds that anything could ever break us apart.

"I love you," Chris whispered with his lips grazing my forehead. But instead of saying the four words I knew he was expecting back, I just held him tighter.

No words came out despite my heart screaming at me to answer. It was a line I didn't want to cross yet everything we've been doing felt like there wasn't even a line to begin with.

I wished I could lay in his arms forever, just listening to his heartbeat and shutting out the rest of the world.

But the world doesn't work like that. It wasn't perfect like that night. When the night ends we'd have to go home and go on with our lives, and every step we will take could make or break us. 

I closed my eyes and listened to his heart like it had all the answers I was looking for.

It didn't. Even years later, it still didn't.

And little did I know, I was already listening to his heart break and I was too caught up in my selfish doubts to tell.

**Author's Note:**

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